I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize