I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
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I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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