Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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