Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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