I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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