imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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