I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
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tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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