Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
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I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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