I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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