What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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