You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
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Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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