she was so not down for the gang bang
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
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guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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