You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
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I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize