it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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