i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
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you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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