no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
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Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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