You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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