I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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