Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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