i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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