Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
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I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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