Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the day after is always just damage control
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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