I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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