There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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