Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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