I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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