3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
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Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize