On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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