awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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