life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize