I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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