So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
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I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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