what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
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So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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