My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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