I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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