He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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