I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
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I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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