My sheets look like a crime scene.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
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I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
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I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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