I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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