New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize