When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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