last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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