i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
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i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
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Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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