he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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