i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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