I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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