You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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