Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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