I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
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I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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