Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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